First of all, who has never had such a moment in your life when a graceful exit, or an imperious entrance, or merely a silent retreat into a corner has been loudly spoiled by an unintended fart? I would love to hear how it happened to you because I am sharing a vulnerable moment and I need moral support. I could use other words to describe the release of intestinal gases through the southbound end of a northbound individual, but why beat around the bush when you can just say fart?
First of all, I’m telling this story because yesterday, I was making a little video for my Youtube channel and right in the middle of it, my beautiful daughter farted. We were seized by an unending laughing attack and it made the original purpose of the video very anticlimactic. Caillen was laughing so hard, she continued to do little spit farts thereafter. if ever there was a time when the acronym OMG was appropriate, this was it! Not to make her feel bad, I’m going to share with you my own little story.
We were at a friend’s house for a family party. The kids were running around, the adults were all over the place and the football fans were watching the game in the family room which you had to walk across to enter the guest bathroom. As you can imagine, that little bathroom had many guests and trying to get to it became sort of game that resembled musical chairs. The door would open and many of us would start rapidly walking in that direction until the person closest to it reached for the door and left the rest of us just standing there, a little closer every time, but never the less, still standing and waiting as our internal combustion engines begged to be ignited. You try to be inconspicuous, but we all knew very well who our opponents were in this little game.
Finally, I saw my opportunity and rushed towards the open door. Unfortunately, I hadn’t realized there was a step down into the family room. In my eagerness to walk across, I neglected to observe my surroundings. There were a number of chairs along the walls where football fans had gathered in addition to all the others sitting on the couch. The room was packed, tension in the air as they held their breath during what must have been an important play. Crossing in front of all these people, I took a fateful step into the family room and I nearly fell. Yes, there was that step I hadn’t see before. The floor went under me and I became painfully aware of all, ALL of the people in that room as a fart escaped out of my nether regions and interrupted their lively TV programming. I can imagine the thoughts that went through their heads, “Do I cheer the winning play that my team just won?, or do I laugh about this lady and her tooting tushy?” I have no idea what happened in the room after I scurried away looking for shelter in the bathroom. Everything I heard through the door was colored by the mortification I felt thinking they could also hear everything I did in the bathroom. I supposed their reaction was a little bit of both, but I do have to say they were all very gracious and didn’t even blink when I had to come back out again.